Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It's 3am I must be nervous

I'm having trouble sleeping. Last night, too. It's not even midnight, by the usual standards of the past twenty-nine years it's still early. By the current standards of me trying to be reliable and responsible, however, it's god-awfully late. I should have been asleep hours ago, and after a long day, two episodes of Firefly and a stiff whiskey I'm concerned that the job isn't getting done.

My job's various frustrations are taking on a level of extremism that is frustrating at the same time that it's patently ridiculous. It seems like everybody is complaining about how they're not getting any help, but they won't lift a finger to help anyone else. I try not to let it bug me (changing jobs in this economy is kind of a non-option, and besides I really like what I do), but today just knocked me flat.

I realized recently that I am about four years out from the Big Relationship, and that it's been nearly a decade since this person first entered my life. It's been long enough that I have trouble remembering what life was like without that particular pattern set, even with it removed from daily life.

My worry is that I will do the same with the various circumstances of my work life; simply internalize the reality of the present until the workarounds become the standard and I forget that I was ever working around anything in the first place; until I forget that there is perhaps a better way to communicate when you want to get things done.

My bigger worry is that I have already done this. Despite a lot of outward talk about improving my life (losing weight, getting in swimsuit-body-shape, paying down the debt, figuring out how to manage my health and finances in a long-term way), I am making the same self-destructive choices. I know I should stop smoking, but I can't honestly say if I want to. It bugs me to have been single this long, but I only seem to be attracted to the wrong girls.

I've been staring at the piles of stuff and bad furniture arrangements in my space for weeks without coming up with any new ideas for how to clean up the clutter and create a more usable space. I sat down with Leilani for ten minutes last weekend and tossed around a few ideas; between giving the ideas a voice and her suggestions, I have a radically new plan of attack and am excited about the better use of space it will present.

I miss having a partner in life. I have roommates, and I live with family, and I've got no shortage of people who I can talk to; what I don't have anymore is a person who wants to talk about it. Who might bring it up. Whose interests--however divergent in the details--are ultimately aligned with mine. Someone who will share this life I'm trying to re-build for myself.

It's only recently that I've been able to give this feeling a voice; to put it into words that I miss partnership.

And now that I can crystallize the feeling, I can tell you with clarity how much it sucks.

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